Soft Heart

Soft Heart...

One year. A year can make all the difference in a life. I can truly look back over the course of one year with wondering eyes and hardly believe the events that have unfolded in this journey. A year ago I knew nothing of the beauty of enough. I have to walk carefully with my words because I want you to know what I mean by "enough". Certainly we have never gone hungry. We have had shelter,We have had clothing given to us. But we have never known in the last 8 years what it was not to be concerned over how we would meet our bills, we had no buffer in our checking account, we had no way to plan for anything. We were a family of five surviving on one small income. Some view this subject as taboo. Don't speak of money I can almost hear. But it is only when we can be most vulnerable that we are able to truly live and touch someone else and testify of the greatness of God.

At times I became so discouraged that I withdrew, I fought with God asking "why?,"" we are intelligent people, why is this door of provision sealed tightly-" Every time a promotion was sought it would be given over to some one else...every time strategy would be put into place to advance our family ...again the seal became tighter....I became so angry with God I did not want to speak to Him. I would stay in my cocoon silent , furious, and bitter. I was becoming a person that I was not meant to be. My Christ given nature is that of eternal optimism, hope and curiosity , appreciation for every blessing...but the my heart was becoming like a stone.
I could feel the weight of that pulling me down at every turn. I regret I did not bury myself in Father's arms the way I should have. Instead I would find things to keep me busy. Many things in and of themselves productive and helpful. I learned to make everything my family needed from scratch. Everything from medicine to laundry detergent. I am thankful for all the research and knowledge I have, but now looking across those long years I realize what Father was after all along.

Because of the lack of trust I had in my earthly Father to provide for me I transferred that same fear to my heavenly Daddy. All the head knowledge in the world will not drive out that fear only God can in His own way. Under my earthly fathers care there was a lack of every provision. He was a dear man but he was inadequate to meet the needs of my family. Because of the reality of where we were financially I started to believe God was inadequate or worse that He did not care. Didn't He see we had to stand in line for food with the low income and those out of work.....we were supposed to be "HIS" children , wasn't He supposed to pull us out of our mess? ....the filth in my own spirit is hard to admit...that sense of Pride and entitlement.....I needed to be awakened. I was in a slumber of self absorption.

I started a month fast....the weeks passed without food, every time I went to find Father I was hit with one assault after another. The crisis that struck me during that time was such a flag that something was breaking in the spirit realm for our family. I felt like nothing was happening in my heart with all the attacks. But at the end of that fast I was released to go to school and nothing has been the same since. Every time I would inquire of Father it was almost like I was ushered into making a decision to go even though I had so many doubts about adding debt to our already growing load.

Today I heard the voice of the Lord, as I drove the Baby around to various places to get our groceries and do errands. He spoke the words," SOFT HEART" and the tears started to fall ...
I realized what he was after that all along...like Paul no matter what situation I find myself , no matter how hard, horrible, unkind, unfair, mysterious, I am to remain with this heart of contentment, this soft , soft, heart....

I thought of dear people in my life, whether friends, coworkers, family, it seems because of what I have walked and understand so deeply I hear the winds carry so much bitterness, so much dispair- whether we walk in poverty, or wealth, whether we walk married, or alone, whether we walk disabled emotionally or physically, whether we have children or don't have children.....if we become bitter we start to die, we have lost the dearest treasure we have our childlike expectancy that we have a Father that will meet all our needs and beyond to what we want. He has taken our empty hands and filled them....we have a long road to find true freedom but it took me many long years to the real freedom of a soft heart.

Teeth!

Audrey just lost two front teeth in two days! Yey! Now that bumbling tooth fairy has to come up with other ideas!

The home stretch....

I have missed the silence and order of thought putting words to a page. The days here seem to blend into each other. No beginnings and no ends. I lay Benjamin on the bed to change him and think how tall he is, how beautifully formed. I thought the same thing about Judah and Audrey. There is something so deeply touching about seeing your child healthy and brimming with curiosity about the world. I place a toy in his hand and hear his words of delight. I recently bought some cast iron stars from an antique store in Shallotte NC and he loves to hold those and proclaim over and over, "Sta, Sta". We had a family vacation for 9 days at Holden beach in a stunning beach home we were able to rent. We were able to take our Rowdy with us as the owner knew the gentle nature of whippets. The children had so much fun. It was a blessing to walk the shore lines with Judah and Audrey in the evening and hunt for crabs. We caught a tiny one in a little crab catcher we had and brought it home for study. The kids could barely sleep for the joy of watching that little thing climb it's cage. We took Benjamin to the sea for his first time and unlike his older siblings he embraced the ocean as if it were his dearest love. It took all my energy to keep dragging him from the breakers. He loved it! His first glace was with utter glee! He kept saying,"Waaauh....(for water)
I finally got him interested in digging in the sand while Judah and Audrey played in the surf with some other friends they made. He ate his share too!

We had some simple family time, plenty of naps in the afternoons which was a treat. I had no idea how tired I really was. This past year has drained me to the core. We had the luxury of eating out most nights. Something we have not done much of in years. It is so nice to have someone else cook.


We also had the blessing of inviting some dear family and friends share our rental. My sister and her husband and baby came a couple of days, then they left and we had another family of three come to share the end of our stay with one of my dearest friends who I have known and loved since the early years of college. Such a pleasure to talk long into the night about ideas, dreams, relationships. I loved each moment.

Soon it was time to leave and I was ready. You miss home after awhile. We pulled into the drive and discovered a pear tree had fallen and we rejoiced! It hit our HVAC unit so we will have a new one put in courtesy of the ins. Co. The tree could not have hit a better spot! It did no real damage to the house. We are so thankful to be getting a up to date unit and will help if we decide to sell in the next couple of years.

I am closing in on my schooling. The month of May will prove to be quite a challenge as I have set the goal of finishing all my clinics , on top of course work , tests, and home life. Even now I am reviewing for the National exam. It is very intimidating to think of so I plan to be over prepared. The other students say you have to test downtown in this room with glass windows , high surveillance,everywhere. You can take nothing in and take nothing out. I feel like a lawyer going to a bar exam. Oh I pray I do well.


June should be a relief as I will just have my coursework to do and no additional clinics. What a blessing to complete this journey. I am ready to begin work and do something I was created to do. One step at a time I remind myself. There is much to get into order before I am able to find a job.


I am so thankful for purpose. Something to do with the days I have been given, the vision becomes clearer and clearer. Our feet are planted on a road I would never want to deviate from. I cannot wait to share what Father is birthing in our hearts but for now I stand guarded in prayer of that beautiful dream. A dream so big......"that the facts don't matter."

String of thoughts....

We just celebrated our older two children's birthday's recently. I stand amazed at the years passing so quickly. Judah is now 7 and Audrey is now 6. Our days have been so full . I have been home schooling Judah and Audrey now for nearly two years. Judah has not been tested yet by the State but the things he picks up to read have to be about fourth grade level. I am so shocked that he was so interested in reading. From the reports of many other friends the girls seemed more interested. Audrey on the other hand who I thought would just soar does not seem nearly so compelled to pick up a good book. She gets distracted much easier. Also frustrated easier. She is finally reading sentences and understands all her sounds. They are both doing well in math and understanding concepts. Audrey really has a love for art. I have never seen a child out of all the ones I have cared for over the years be this advanced at this age. I delight in all the detailed drawings and paintings she fills the house with. My quandry now is what to do with all those drawings. I can't bare to get rid of anything she draws unless it is completely scribble scrabble. Any parents out there that can give me some insight on how to part with her things.....or how to sort, pick and choose? Horrible position to be in. We had planned to take the children to the aquarium or the zoo but when given the option they both wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese. I cringed. We are pressed for time anyway so we decided just for this year it would be best .So we took the kids to SAS for lunch and then bought some tokens and let them run around for three hours or so in that crazy place. Ohhhh I don't think I ever want to go there again. Next year will be the ocean or the mountains.Benjamin is talking up a storm lately. He has learned to count to 10 and loves to be chased after I say 10! Sometimes he will iniate the chase by starting with the number 6 and count to 10 so he can get faster results. He just screams with laughter when I hop up from the rocker and run after him. He has this little white derby hat he wears now and it cracks me up. He loves to yank it down tight on his head and walk around. I have been rocking him near bed times and I wrap him up in his Thomas blanket and he will look at me with this huge grin on his face and dimples just popping while I hold him. I have even started rocking the older two again just to get in some closeness with them. I find my days so full of study and trying to keep a handle on issues at home I barely have time to ever sit and rest anymore. I am so weary. I am just praying for the day when the schooling will be over. I enjoy the process so much but I have more on my plate sometimes than I think I can handle. Thanks be to the dear Lord He gives me strength to keep going. Clinics are going well. I have the opportunity to work with the public and learn to interact professionally. David is excelling at work and getting much praise for the changes he is implementing in his position. We are all well and warm. We have nothing to complain of . We are blessed.

New words....

Benjamin is saying so many cute things it just stops me in my tracks when he speaks. I can never get over how marvelous the mind is. How such a little soul can understand so much. He causes us to smile nearly each day with something new...he says,"nana" for banana. "cank cu' for thank you...uh oh, qeese for cheese. He goes vroom vroom for a truck. He calls our dog Rowdy, "dowa' , "cuukie" for cookie, " crack cu" for cracker. He is enjoying his freedom so much right now. Running from room to room exploring with me on his heels. He is growing so fast.....I put the rocking chair back in his room so I can hold him all I can....

Mutiny!.......

Well you teach a kid to read and write and what do you get???Mutiny letters tacked around the house! Awhile back I told the kids to do their chores and they wanted to play. Of course they started talking (very loudly I might add) in the kitchen well within earshot about how awful their lives were....I had to laugh. I laugh even now. So they come in grab up a sheet of paper from a pile I have for them and I hear them getting out the crayons and markers and I don't know what all to write this earth shattering letter to their mother who was standing over them with a chain to make their bed and clean up the toys.
Later Audrey and Judah come in and thump that letter down and I nearly lost it.( I only wish I could get a picture on here but the digital is working on and off because of a busted battery cover.)
The Letter was in Judah's legible scribble scrabble writing and both children had signed the bottom with their names and Audrey had drawn a picture of them both with their fists raised! Unbelievable! Any way here is the letter locked up and kept for such a time of black mail:
Mom and Dad, You make us work too much. We are going far away! Judah (Picture of boy with raised fist! Audrey(picture of girl and raised fist!)
I got another one from Judah not long ago about the trials of being put second when the baby's needs came first......oh I tell you ....they are dangerous little critters when they can read and write!