If I could.....

Soft lights flicker on the counter next to me as I work. Some weary soul has come to me. They have walked through my door for a treasured fifty minutes of safety from the world. I study the lines of their back, the creased skin where there are bones out of alignment or problems with the underlying fascia. I lightly touch problem areas to see how much work may be needed to correct physical issues. The moment I touch them I feel the life force that courses through all our bodies the circulation moves with power....I say a silent prayer as I begin my work in awe once again of the beauty of the Creator for allowing me to be so intimate with His children to aide in healing and nurture.
My thoughts sometimes dwell on the one that rests before me in complete trust that I will care for them even though many have never seen me before.
Today my thoughts went to those that I have loved and lost. It seems The older you get so many things are revealed to your heart. So often we expect young people to understand so much more than what they can. The truth I am realizing is you cannot truly understand something unless you walk the path yourself.
I was thinking of my Grandmother. She would talk of how utterly tired she was sometimes as I grew up. How the energy had left her. How I wish I could sit with her at the table once more and hold her hand and say...I truly understand. I wish as a young strong woman I had helped her more. There was so much I could have done for her around her house to ease her load.
I wish I could stare into my Grandpa's eyes once again and not preached a lifeless religion of to do's so he would escape fire. I wish I could have told Him how beautiful he was to me. How much I admired his strong heart. How I wanted to be like him. I wish I had had the wisdom to tell him how much God adored him. What purpose and value he had on earth. I wish I had not let his teasing hurt me but rather used it as an opportunity to play...
I wish I could have understood my Fathers heart while I was young. I wish I would have hugged him more even when He seemed angry. I wish I had not built walls around my heart to protect myself. I did not know he was sick....If I had the chance I would pour encouragement over his life and tell him how great he did in so many things. I would tell him I am proud to be his daughter. I would tell him how special a man he is and was and list all the reasons why so he could hear it.
I would love to see Pop again...to hold him and just be gentle with him. I would love to sit in the porch swing and hold his hand next to my cheek. Before he died the only thing he hoped for was seeing the blackberries come into season just one more time so he could have one last pie...he was 96...I don't know if he ever got that one simple treasure again....I truly understand that one longing...I heard him speak it on an ancient tape I had and it hit my soul ....someone who had so very little who worked so hard on the land...just one pie...I understand Pop....truly I do...

Suffering brings great understanding...hopefully if we keep our hearts soft it also brings strength of character tenderness and compassion. I am aging. Even with all the good things I do for my body now I feel the weight of the years. It has humbled me in a way nothing else could. The strength I am hoping to know is the kind that is internal and eternal. Strength of the physical comes with diligent sessions in the early morning before most people awaken from slumber. Strength of Character comes from every moment where our beliefs move from thought to the road....Dear Lord help me to always put belief into action, help me to take the wisdom gained and use it from now forward....

I told Father how much I missed my loved ones...I ache for them every day. I understand so much more about them, about life....I am trusting that one day I will get the opportunity to have these conversations and hold them near my heart once again. If I could...

Faithful.....

I want to speak of Barbra....I remember her coming into class that first night fresh from the corporate world to explore the beauty of the human form. She was stunning. I invited her to sit next to me. She reminded me of a China doll, Porcelin skin and the most vibrant blue eyes the color of the Agean sea, long dark lashes and thick dark hair. She was trying desperately to get her paperwork together and catch up with where we were.( At the Medical Arts school they did not start everyone at the same place they just cast you in somewhere in the rotation of learning so it was a scramble to retain everything they threw out at first. ) I remember her very quickly making me laugh or us laughing together over the immaturity of so many happenings. I think we bonded over several different factors...possibly our age and sense of humor, but now I think we saw a common dedication in each other that drew our lives together. I had been on a spiritual journey for years, finding my resting place in my Creator. She was on a journey of the physical . Like me motherhood, work, housekeeping and everything else had taken center stage. The weight of allowing life to just steam roll our days caused the literal weight to weigh down our bodies. Most of our education I think I spent so much of my time buried in chocolate and caffeine. Anything that got me through. I am sure she may have a similar testimony. One day near the end of our learning I caught this gleam in her eyes. She had joined a fit camp. Not being a morning person EVER, I thought she was insane to get up at 4:30 to get her tail kicked , see her kids off to school, go to work then go to school all night.
Truth be told I thought the craze would wear off in a couple of weeks and she would once again join me in study with a cup of coffee and a bag of chocolate.
She did not.
Night after night I saw her taking control of something that had gone awry so many years before. It was more than what she ate. It was a change of heart. New confidence radiated from her face. Something about her tenacious spirit to change called out to me. I had tried to talk myself into believing that I could not change my body...It had been too many years. After graduation and finding employment, Barbra had already accomplished her goals of weight loss. She had trained for a 26 mile marathon. She had done numerous fitness camps. She was a physical testimony of the bodies ability to adapt and change into beauty.
She was eternally in my thoughts. That spirit that spoke to her spoke to me. I chatted with her online one day and she was telling me about the new fitness camp she was joining. I told her we still did not have that in our budget. She said right off the bat," I'll train you!" Just like that my life has changed. I had lost over twenty pounds on my own but I have never pushed myself physically. I needed more. Much more. I needed someone who would be faithful to push me. Barbra saw past my poor eyesight, my pitiful sense of balance, my knee pain to what could be. I think she may be prophetic but does not know it yet. You have to be prophetic to work with someone like me physically. :O) It really is comical. Thankfully our workouts are so early we can barely see each other anyway! I say,"I can hear you but I can't see you!"
I am ever awed at the Lord's goodness. Just when I had the motivation to change He provided a person who would encourage me and push me beyond what I have ever done before. She offers herself free of charge. Yet I will ever be in her debt. One of the things I am struck with about Barbra is her complete faithfulness. So many people have set out on a similar journey with me but none have been this faithful. Many mornings I drive silently through the dark to the park where we meet and nearly each time she is always there a few minutes ahead of me. I see the Fathers heart each time I see that car parked next to the entrance. My eyes have filled with tears over that stability. That is a characteristic of God. How much more I love the Father when I see one of His children able to carry out the responsibility of that gift. No matter what Barbra commits to she follows through. She has to be one of the most tenacious people I have ever met. I am reminded of the story of Jacob in the Bible who wrestled an Angel and held the Angel so tightly and would not let go unless the Angel blessed him. Barbra may have wounds like Jacob did. But she holds on and will not let go. She will be blessed. I am a better woman because of her. My body is stronger than it has been in the last 20 years. I have barely scratched the surface of where I need to go but with her help I am on my way. One day perhaps I will match her steps. I cannot see that far ahead yet...but it does not matter she does. She is my friend and a woman with a heart like a Lion. I am so thankful for her, so thankful for her faithful enduring spirit that pushes me on when I am drained beyond belief and never fails.....I love you Barbra. Blessed is the woman who can be called FAITHFUL.

Soft Heart

Soft Heart...

One year. A year can make all the difference in a life. I can truly look back over the course of one year with wondering eyes and hardly believe the events that have unfolded in this journey. A year ago I knew nothing of the beauty of enough. I have to walk carefully with my words because I want you to know what I mean by "enough". Certainly we have never gone hungry. We have had shelter,We have had clothing given to us. But we have never known in the last 8 years what it was not to be concerned over how we would meet our bills, we had no buffer in our checking account, we had no way to plan for anything. We were a family of five surviving on one small income. Some view this subject as taboo. Don't speak of money I can almost hear. But it is only when we can be most vulnerable that we are able to truly live and touch someone else and testify of the greatness of God.

At times I became so discouraged that I withdrew, I fought with God asking "why?,"" we are intelligent people, why is this door of provision sealed tightly-" Every time a promotion was sought it would be given over to some one else...every time strategy would be put into place to advance our family ...again the seal became tighter....I became so angry with God I did not want to speak to Him. I would stay in my cocoon silent , furious, and bitter. I was becoming a person that I was not meant to be. My Christ given nature is that of eternal optimism, hope and curiosity , appreciation for every blessing...but the my heart was becoming like a stone.
I could feel the weight of that pulling me down at every turn. I regret I did not bury myself in Father's arms the way I should have. Instead I would find things to keep me busy. Many things in and of themselves productive and helpful. I learned to make everything my family needed from scratch. Everything from medicine to laundry detergent. I am thankful for all the research and knowledge I have, but now looking across those long years I realize what Father was after all along.

Because of the lack of trust I had in my earthly Father to provide for me I transferred that same fear to my heavenly Daddy. All the head knowledge in the world will not drive out that fear only God can in His own way. Under my earthly fathers care there was a lack of every provision. He was a dear man but he was inadequate to meet the needs of my family. Because of the reality of where we were financially I started to believe God was inadequate or worse that He did not care. Didn't He see we had to stand in line for food with the low income and those out of work.....we were supposed to be "HIS" children , wasn't He supposed to pull us out of our mess? ....the filth in my own spirit is hard to admit...that sense of Pride and entitlement.....I needed to be awakened. I was in a slumber of self absorption.

I started a month fast....the weeks passed without food, every time I went to find Father I was hit with one assault after another. The crisis that struck me during that time was such a flag that something was breaking in the spirit realm for our family. I felt like nothing was happening in my heart with all the attacks. But at the end of that fast I was released to go to school and nothing has been the same since. Every time I would inquire of Father it was almost like I was ushered into making a decision to go even though I had so many doubts about adding debt to our already growing load.

Today I heard the voice of the Lord, as I drove the Baby around to various places to get our groceries and do errands. He spoke the words," SOFT HEART" and the tears started to fall ...
I realized what he was after that all along...like Paul no matter what situation I find myself , no matter how hard, horrible, unkind, unfair, mysterious, I am to remain with this heart of contentment, this soft , soft, heart....

I thought of dear people in my life, whether friends, coworkers, family, it seems because of what I have walked and understand so deeply I hear the winds carry so much bitterness, so much dispair- whether we walk in poverty, or wealth, whether we walk married, or alone, whether we walk disabled emotionally or physically, whether we have children or don't have children.....if we become bitter we start to die, we have lost the dearest treasure we have our childlike expectancy that we have a Father that will meet all our needs and beyond to what we want. He has taken our empty hands and filled them....we have a long road to find true freedom but it took me many long years to the real freedom of a soft heart.

Teeth!

Audrey just lost two front teeth in two days! Yey! Now that bumbling tooth fairy has to come up with other ideas!

The home stretch....

I have missed the silence and order of thought putting words to a page. The days here seem to blend into each other. No beginnings and no ends. I lay Benjamin on the bed to change him and think how tall he is, how beautifully formed. I thought the same thing about Judah and Audrey. There is something so deeply touching about seeing your child healthy and brimming with curiosity about the world. I place a toy in his hand and hear his words of delight. I recently bought some cast iron stars from an antique store in Shallotte NC and he loves to hold those and proclaim over and over, "Sta, Sta". We had a family vacation for 9 days at Holden beach in a stunning beach home we were able to rent. We were able to take our Rowdy with us as the owner knew the gentle nature of whippets. The children had so much fun. It was a blessing to walk the shore lines with Judah and Audrey in the evening and hunt for crabs. We caught a tiny one in a little crab catcher we had and brought it home for study. The kids could barely sleep for the joy of watching that little thing climb it's cage. We took Benjamin to the sea for his first time and unlike his older siblings he embraced the ocean as if it were his dearest love. It took all my energy to keep dragging him from the breakers. He loved it! His first glace was with utter glee! He kept saying,"Waaauh....(for water)
I finally got him interested in digging in the sand while Judah and Audrey played in the surf with some other friends they made. He ate his share too!

We had some simple family time, plenty of naps in the afternoons which was a treat. I had no idea how tired I really was. This past year has drained me to the core. We had the luxury of eating out most nights. Something we have not done much of in years. It is so nice to have someone else cook.


We also had the blessing of inviting some dear family and friends share our rental. My sister and her husband and baby came a couple of days, then they left and we had another family of three come to share the end of our stay with one of my dearest friends who I have known and loved since the early years of college. Such a pleasure to talk long into the night about ideas, dreams, relationships. I loved each moment.

Soon it was time to leave and I was ready. You miss home after awhile. We pulled into the drive and discovered a pear tree had fallen and we rejoiced! It hit our HVAC unit so we will have a new one put in courtesy of the ins. Co. The tree could not have hit a better spot! It did no real damage to the house. We are so thankful to be getting a up to date unit and will help if we decide to sell in the next couple of years.

I am closing in on my schooling. The month of May will prove to be quite a challenge as I have set the goal of finishing all my clinics , on top of course work , tests, and home life. Even now I am reviewing for the National exam. It is very intimidating to think of so I plan to be over prepared. The other students say you have to test downtown in this room with glass windows , high surveillance,everywhere. You can take nothing in and take nothing out. I feel like a lawyer going to a bar exam. Oh I pray I do well.


June should be a relief as I will just have my coursework to do and no additional clinics. What a blessing to complete this journey. I am ready to begin work and do something I was created to do. One step at a time I remind myself. There is much to get into order before I am able to find a job.


I am so thankful for purpose. Something to do with the days I have been given, the vision becomes clearer and clearer. Our feet are planted on a road I would never want to deviate from. I cannot wait to share what Father is birthing in our hearts but for now I stand guarded in prayer of that beautiful dream. A dream so big......"that the facts don't matter."

String of thoughts....

We just celebrated our older two children's birthday's recently. I stand amazed at the years passing so quickly. Judah is now 7 and Audrey is now 6. Our days have been so full . I have been home schooling Judah and Audrey now for nearly two years. Judah has not been tested yet by the State but the things he picks up to read have to be about fourth grade level. I am so shocked that he was so interested in reading. From the reports of many other friends the girls seemed more interested. Audrey on the other hand who I thought would just soar does not seem nearly so compelled to pick up a good book. She gets distracted much easier. Also frustrated easier. She is finally reading sentences and understands all her sounds. They are both doing well in math and understanding concepts. Audrey really has a love for art. I have never seen a child out of all the ones I have cared for over the years be this advanced at this age. I delight in all the detailed drawings and paintings she fills the house with. My quandry now is what to do with all those drawings. I can't bare to get rid of anything she draws unless it is completely scribble scrabble. Any parents out there that can give me some insight on how to part with her things.....or how to sort, pick and choose? Horrible position to be in. We had planned to take the children to the aquarium or the zoo but when given the option they both wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese. I cringed. We are pressed for time anyway so we decided just for this year it would be best .So we took the kids to SAS for lunch and then bought some tokens and let them run around for three hours or so in that crazy place. Ohhhh I don't think I ever want to go there again. Next year will be the ocean or the mountains.Benjamin is talking up a storm lately. He has learned to count to 10 and loves to be chased after I say 10! Sometimes he will iniate the chase by starting with the number 6 and count to 10 so he can get faster results. He just screams with laughter when I hop up from the rocker and run after him. He has this little white derby hat he wears now and it cracks me up. He loves to yank it down tight on his head and walk around. I have been rocking him near bed times and I wrap him up in his Thomas blanket and he will look at me with this huge grin on his face and dimples just popping while I hold him. I have even started rocking the older two again just to get in some closeness with them. I find my days so full of study and trying to keep a handle on issues at home I barely have time to ever sit and rest anymore. I am so weary. I am just praying for the day when the schooling will be over. I enjoy the process so much but I have more on my plate sometimes than I think I can handle. Thanks be to the dear Lord He gives me strength to keep going. Clinics are going well. I have the opportunity to work with the public and learn to interact professionally. David is excelling at work and getting much praise for the changes he is implementing in his position. We are all well and warm. We have nothing to complain of . We are blessed.

New words....

Benjamin is saying so many cute things it just stops me in my tracks when he speaks. I can never get over how marvelous the mind is. How such a little soul can understand so much. He causes us to smile nearly each day with something new...he says,"nana" for banana. "cank cu' for thank you...uh oh, qeese for cheese. He goes vroom vroom for a truck. He calls our dog Rowdy, "dowa' , "cuukie" for cookie, " crack cu" for cracker. He is enjoying his freedom so much right now. Running from room to room exploring with me on his heels. He is growing so fast.....I put the rocking chair back in his room so I can hold him all I can....